I am they happiest I have ever been.
I am confident in who I am and what I want.

Yet, being in Arizona is stressing me out. I am trying my hardest to not get worked up over all the stupid people that surround me, but sometimes it is just too hard. I know that no matter where I go there will be people I disagree with, or find ridiculously stupid. I just feel like I have outgrown Arizona but cannot do anything to fix it. I guess patience is a virtue, but my patience is wearing thin.



But I do love how amazingly beautiful the past few days have been. Thanks mother nature.

I feel like I understand so much more when I'm high.

Cheesy, I know.

Come on people, get your shit together. I'm tired of having to force a conversation out of people. I am here, I am awesome and you should take total advantage of it. Cause it is a once in a life time offer and I'm getting impatient.

I've been having a really hard time lately trying to keep my cool and play along with the words I'm suppose to feel and the ones I am truly consumed with. The world that I have lived by inside my head I am quickly learning is no where near the one I truly live in. However, I like mine better. I have been so anxious, angry, confused, overwhelmed and loved lately and I don't really know how to deal with it all. I'm not saying I'm depressed, quite the opposite really. I just feel so non-existent. It is like I am just slowly floating by and that is the last thing I want. I just don't seem to have it in me to be proactive about anything small lately, but I know it isn't the right time for anything big just yet. I have a lot of growing up to do and that is an exciting adventure, I just feel like it is so forced. I don't want to think about tomorrow or look back on yesterday, I just want to live today. However, it seems to be much more difficult than I had ever imagined.

So tonight I make a promise to myself. To forget about what everyone else wants, thinks, or even feels and focus on each moment and joy what life is presenting me with. Because I am loosing myself living for others and if it goes on for much longer I will be non-existent and life is beautiful. I shouldn't be floating by, I should be gallivanting around.

Here is to the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next.


love.

there are numerous times through out the day lately that I catch myself overwhelmed with joy.
this joy comes from the people in my life.
i am surrounded by so many beautiful, talented, extraordinary, brilliant, eccentric people.
i am so proud of those in my life.
i cannot even explain the feelings and emotions i get when I think about my friends.

thank you for sharing your life with mine

Philosophy gives me headache at 9 in the morning.

Bleh to applied ethics. I really hope this class gets better.

So Mr. Michael Crow sent the ASU student body a lovely little letter. I'm sure many bypassed and sent it straight to the trash, because that is usually what I do. But tonight I decided to read it and seriously I am so glad that I graduate in May because I feel so sorry for the people that have to continue on and those who will someday attend. In his letter he discusses the budget cuts the state is making to cover its own ass in the money that they borrowed when they really couldn't afford it. There are so many idiots in this country, it just baffles my mind. Any who, this is what he said about the budget cuts the sate is proposing:


the proposal would require ASU to cut another $70 million, or 35% of our remaining state funding, in less than five months. Another cut of $155 million is proposed for FY10. Three of our past legislative initiatives -- the research infrastructure bill of 2004, the Polytechnic campus construction package of 2006 and the SPEED construction stimulus bill of 2008 – would be defunded. The cuts to our base budget are both cumulative and permanent and to put them into perspective, they are equal to:

· A base General Fund budget reduction of nearly 40% from the FY08 level; or

· Doubling the number of ASU students without state funding to 40,000; or

· Cumulatively reducing per student funding by almost $3,200;



To deal with cuts of this magnitude, we would need to:

· Layoff thousands more employees;

· Have a massive furlough of all remaining employees for two weeks or longer;

· Increase tuition and fees; (replacing the cuts by raising tuition alone would require a tuition rate of almost $11,000 for Arizona residents)

· Close academic programs.

· Close a campus or possibly two.


$11,00!!! THAT IS RIDICULOUS! I don't even know what to say about this whole situation, but it seriously frustrates me to no end how many lives our state is about to fuck over.

WAY TO GO AZ!

I love life.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
I love my mind.
I love everything.


"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you."

I'm so happy

Today has been magnificent.
I have been trying to embrace each moment of my life lately. I have spent so much of my time planning and thinking. By doing this I have failed to stop and see the beauty around me.
Amber and I decided to climb Camelback this afternoon. A release of stress that was much needed.
The one thing that I love the most about climbing Camelback is that you are forced to slow yourself down and focus on each moment, each step. There is no looking back and there is no looking forward. Thoughts about school, work, love, and disappointment are incapable of passing through because all you think about is where you are at that point in time. As we passed the 1 mile marker we were informed that further ahead there was a man who had stopped breathing. As we reached where the man was lying the cries of his wife grew louder. "Andre, don't leave" was repeated as she watched 2 compassionate people attempt to bring her husband back. We decided to continue hiking because there was much further to go and we didn't want to be in the way.
So we found a trial off the path and pulled out our lunch we had packed and waited. As we sat and watched multiple helicopters circle the mountain it was surprisingly peaceful. Even though less than 500 feet from where we were picnicking, a man had died, it was impossible to not appreciate everything around us. We waited an hour to go back down. As we climbed our way down, ridiculously sore, we could see about 10 firefighters surrounding Andre's body that had now been covered up.
life is short so embrace every moment you possibly can.
*save*

12/12/08 10:46 am
*continue*
last night two of my friends were in a car accident. unfortunately one did not survive. while i am not afraid of death and I know that it is a natural part of life, it fucking sucks.

my home smells of "vanilla cinnamon" and "christmas presence."


i love the smell of old memories.

New Orleans was amazing, as always.
It has been quite sometime since I last visited this amazing city. So it was very surreal to see New Orleans through older eyes. New Orleans will always hold a special place in my heart for many reasons. I have spent so many wonderful memories there and plan to spend much more. As a child there was always this positive energy that surround the Big Easy. From the smells of my Granny's southern home cooking to the hustle and bustle of Bourbon Street . Every time I step foot in that city it is like everything comes alive. The warmth of the muggy skies and the sincerity of them southern folk always brings a smile to my face. And the music... oh the music. As a child New Orleans was the one place I could go where all your cares just floated away. But this time it was different.

I have always pictured New Orleans to be this safe, cheerful, and exciting city. No matter what people said I just couldn't see any bad there because it was a place that made me so happy. I don't know if I have just matured in my thinking or reality has set in but New Orleans showed its true skin this weekend. I began to see everything for how it really is.

My family is so unbelievably wonderful and the times that my fathers side of the family meets up are amongst the best, but everyone this weekend brought out personality traits that I have never seen before. Some good, most bad. But the thing that disappointed me the most was to see was that besides my Granny, who is the most amazing women I know, they were all so unhappy and it has been that way all along. And to be honest, I don't think anyone will ever try to change things. If they didn't choose to wallow in their self pity, then they were completely oblivious. In order to make a positive change in your life you have to first acknowledge the problem and then actively work to change it. Why stay in a place that doesn't bring happiness to your life? I just don't understand it.

As we drove to my Granny's from the airport I began to realize the devastation. Businesses struggling to get by and homes abandoned. While there were no more FEMA trailers and homes began to feel like homes, the city looked beaten up. As the weekend went on I began to realize that even though Katrina did create damage, that the city was declining on its own. I asked as we were driving to downtown New Orleans Saturday afternoon, "Has the city always looked so run down or did Katrina play a main factor?" And it was then as my Uncle responded with, " Oh no New Orleans has always been this way, it has the highest crime rate in the nation," all the safety, cheerfulness, and excitement I held as a child went away. It is like looking a close friend.
However, even though I began to see New Orleans differently it was always hold a special place in my heart.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving break!

LIFE FREAKIN' RULES!!!

SeriouslY I haven't been this happy in a long as time.

I love my friends.
Laura, you are the light in my life. You have no idea how much you make me smile. BFFFFFFFFFFFF I love you
Jillian, you have created so much happiness in my life it is ridiculous. I unbelievably lucky to have you as my friend. I love you
Amber, you drive me fucking crazy sometimes but you are my best friend, my sister, and my other half. I love you

This year has been one of the shittiest years of my life. Yet one of the best. I am so content with where my life is going and what each moment brings me. I have a loving family, amazing friends, a place to sleep, a job, and peace of mind. I love life and I love every single person that is in my life right now. No matter how often I see people or who hangs out with me more, every one I know plays a significant part in my life and I am so stoked on those who surround me.

so WHOOO HOOOO to life!

my current mood:

I have been blessed and cursed with a huge heart.
A majority of my stress comes not from school, work, or money. But from genuinely hurting because of the injustices that go on around me everyday. I know I can't save the world and I know I myself am full of mistakes and faults, I just can't understand why it is so hard to be considerate of the people around you that you share this wonderful world with.
If it isn't the fact that Proposition 8 or 102 was passed that bums me out it is all the shit that is going on at my work.
Yesterday a great man quit because of the horrible way he has been treated. I kills me to see people work so hard and do so much and in return get screwed over. There are so many people at my work that make that place what it is. And they are the ones who always get the short end of the stick. I know the saying goes nice guys finish last, but why do they have to have their spirits beaten down and dragged through the dirt first. It just doesn't make sense to me. How hard is it to just care for people they way you would want them to care for you.
On late Saturday night Jeremy Privitt was murdered by someone with so much hate that they would intentionally run him over with his FUCKING HUMMER! While it has been almost 10 years since I have seen Jeremy it breaks my heart to hear that his life ended because someone thought that their anger justified murdering him in cold blood. I want to know what went through his mind as he sat outside of the bar and waited to kill a man over a stupid petty fight. This is why I hate fights. Because now over some stupid and I say stupid because nothing, I MEAN NOTHING, is worth intentionally using your vehicle to harm someone.

and i think i just lost my best friend....awesome

I really need to find some motivation for the rest of the semester or I am going to be kicking myself at the end. Yet, the thought of studying just doesn't appeal to me in slightest. BALLS!

I need to find a job asap because the owner is a sexist pig. He recently said that there are to be no women behind the bar only men. WTF??!?! and no one at work is saying anything. I am just over this place and I have been for a long time. So hopefully the lovely job fairy will come and visit me soon.

Lately I have been in this weird state of apathy. I feel so blank. It's weird. I'm not upset, I am actually quite happy. It is just so weird. hmmmmm, oh well! :)

Have a wonderful day my friends!

From the moment it was announced that Barack Obama is our 44th President I haven't been able to quit smiling. Just moments after hearing the wonderful news I stepped into my car, turned on the radio and Louis Armstrong's song "What A Wonderful World" came on. Tears of joy came down my face because we as Americans came together for change and with our hope have made history. And the world is wonderful.

While nothing can bring me down right now, it truly hurts to hear and still see so much hate. I just cannot understand why Proposition 102 passed.

How does two people who love each other and choose to share their lives together affect anyone in anyway? If two gay people getting married somehow affects your marriage, which it doesn't, then you have issues of your own. And where do people have the right to tell someone that they are not able to share the same opportunities as you because they are different than you? Now I know so many people are going to pull the "God" card out on this but from what I have taken from Christianity and most Westernized religions doesn't God love everyone equally? Aren't we all "God's children?" So if that is the case, and let me know if I am wrong isn't the "Christ-like" thing to do is to love EVERYONE. What makes gay people different. It is because of people who preach that God loves everyone and that they live their life to be more "Christ-like" and still continue to place themselves higher then those who are gay, that I can no longer call myself a Christian. Because there is no way that I can associate myself with people who claim to be good people and followers of an all loving God, but still have so much hate in their hearts. That is not "Christ-like." The one thing that I was constantly told from Christianity was to love everyone the way you would want to be loved. EVERYONE. So how come it is such a difficult concept for so many "Christians" to understand?

No matter if you are black or white, gay or lesbian, Jewish or Muslim, or anything else all I see is the person inside. Because as a nation of immigrants, a variety of religions and sexual orientations we are all the same because we are Americans. A country founded on freedom and hope. And a CONSTITUTION that separated church from state.

We are humans and we are not perfect, but hate is never the answer.

VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!!



BAMA TIME!!!

I am so excited!! And yet scared to death. The fate of our country is determined in the next 24 hours.

So go vote and make a difference. And if you don't, you have no right to complain about anything because you gave up that right the minute you decided to be a lazy piece of poop and not vote. Oh and I will kick you in the face! :)

one small step of stupidity..

one giant set back for jennifer.



BALLS!!

Through this journey I am going on to figure out who I am and to become the person I want and need to be, I have been trying so hard to have faith in humans.

Ironically it is the let downs and disappointments of those around me that has fueled this fire in side of me. Yet it is so hard sometimes to look at people in a positive light. I know that we are all human and we are selfish, egotistical and make plenty of mistakes. But it physically makes me sick to see so much hate around me.

Like this guy...



How is it that we live in 2008, surrounded by so much technology and information yet there are so many ignorant people. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF OUR NEXT PRESIDENT IS BLACK!!! I don't. And how can these people fight for causes like abortion when really the only babies they want to save are the ones that look like them. I know that I can't change people but it is so frustrating to hear some of the shit that comes out of peoples mouths.

I was driving down the road the other day and I could not go 50 feet without seeing a "YES to marriage" sign. According to the National Vital Statistic Report, in 2007 it was recorded that the US has a 72% divorce rate. 72%!!! I find it funny that so many people are caring about the sanctity of marriage when close to 3/4 of our country gets divorced. If two people are able to find that "person" that makes them so unbelievably happy that they want to share the rest of their lives with one another shouldn't we be happy for them. So answer me this. Why is it a beautiful thing when two heterosexuals decide to get married but not for gays or lesbians? Aren't they people too?

Ok so I know I am ranting but I try so hard to live my life in a positive manner and to give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt. But it has taken so much out of me lately. I know that the easiest way is to not care so much but I can't. Caring about the well being of others is a part of me. It is my strongest quality and the one thing that I absolutely love about myself. So hopefully I will find a happy medium. But until then I'm going to try my hardest to have faith in others, even when they don't have faith in me.

So my lovely friends Jillian and Laura have convinced me to start writing on this crazy thing again.


Life is wonderful. I haven't been this clear minded and extremely stoked on life ever. And it is so great. I catch myself having these bursts of excitement throughout the day when I think about the possibilities I have once I graduate. And at the same time I am just soaking up what I have with me right now.

I have the greatest friends. And whether or not I talk to some more than others I value and love everyone the same.
So thank you to everyone who is a part of my life.


Have a wonderful day!

i smell good.




VSFH!